8 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

Are you on the mood to turn your single life to marriage tune? If you’re ready make sure your partner also ready to ride a same boat with you. A happy marriage is not just based on wine and romance, it’s equally important to ensure your compatibility concerning future goals, expectations and priorities. Are you sure you’re ready for the journey? Are you sure your partner really want it? If you’re still 50-50, then it’s a time to ask yourself and your partner is this the life you really wanted the most? What kind of wedding will you have? Celebrant or priest? A white dress or something in flaming red? Before we even meet the right man, most of us fantasise about our ideal wedding celebration. But when it comes to living happily ever after, whether you should have an up do or flowing curls is the least important question you should be asking.

Most couples talk more about their wedding than life after the honeymoon. But it’s this nuts and bolts relationship stuff (like how many kids you plan to have or whether you want to move overseas), that will influence whether or not your relationship will last to the distance. By discussing your fears, hopes, plans and aspirations beforehand you’ll be able to work out what you agree on and how you’ll negotiate those differences. Here, questions you need to ask before you’re ready to take the plunge:

QM 1 Reason to Get Married

Are you getting married because you’re both head over heels in love or because you both want to keep your families happy? Or are your motivations different to his are you trying to knot because you see it as the next logical step while he’s doing it because under his religion, living together is considered a big no no? Sit down together and each write down 10 reasons why you want to get married. Opsss…It might be sound ridiculous but you’ll see the result later. These motivators may include everything from I want to start a family to I want the security of a marital commitment. Hopefully, being in love will feature high up the list for both of you. If it doesn’t then it’s important to talk about why.

Your reasons and your partner reasons might be different and if that’s the case, it’s not a good sign. You want to marry him because you adore him so much or he wants to marry you because he wants to be able to have sex with you every night. According to psychologist, Natasha Collins: Maybe your different perspectives also indicate different needs in love. The good thing about doing list together is that any discrepancies will become obvious and you’ll be able to talk them through and decide if they might prove a stumbling block in the future.

Having different reasons for getting hitched doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. If one of your marriage motives is that you want to be independent of your parents and one of his motives is that he wants to start pooling your resources instead of wasting money on separate houses you might be on slightly different tracks, but they ultimately, are heading in the right direction. As long as you both respect each other’s motives (and neither feels they’re being sold short), then your different rationale shouldn’t pose too much of a problem.

It’s better to realize now, even though it may be hurtful if the person you’re in love with doesn’t love you in the same way, says Collins. It can be an issue if his reasons for marrying don’t resemble yours in the least “ it may be warning sign that down the track you might not end up being a good fit after all.

QM 2 Do you Both Want Children?

If you want hordes of children and he can barely get his head around the idea of having one then this could cause a rift in the future. Obviously, you can negotiate so that you agree to having a few less kids and he agrees to having a few more the important thing is you’re clear on your position before you tie the knot and that later in your marriage, neither of you is going to feel coerced into something they don’t really want.

May be it’s too early to discuss details, but it’s important to highlight that you really want a family. It can be a hint and you can see some spontaneous response from him whether he looks excited to elaborate or just ignoring. This the first stage to know him deeply and by this you can ensure that you and your fiancee are on the same page about starting a family.

If you’re not because of your reasons and he with his reasons then it’s important to arrive at some compromise now “ or your differences in approach could end up leading to arguments, distance and ultimately, even divorce. Similarly, if he really doesn’t want kids and you go weak at the knees every time you see a baby, then maybe he isn’t the man you should marry, even though you love him a great deal.

Sacrificing something as huge as children to keep your partner happy is a big task and you could end up resenting him down the track and blaming him for standing in the way of your happiness, Collins points out. May be it’s a great idea if someone suggested yours to borrow someone’s kids for the day to see what issues it brings up for you. Then, you both will know and clear about the real responsibility to handle.

However, the discussion will not only highlight any differences in attitude you have to family and parenting it will allow you to see whether your partner has the maturity and flexibility that will be needed if he’s to make a great father and a great partner to you once you’ve become a mum.’

QM 3 Imagination of Living Together As Husband & Wife

Do you ever imagine something really blissful happening in your life and feels like you want to life another 100 years more? Do you imagine the two of you living on a yacht and raising your kids while travelling the world? Or did you have more of a slower life in mind with evenings spent lazing on the front porch, soaking up the sunset? Youâ’re probably touched on these topics already, but now’s the time to set the record straight. If you’re city-slicker and he’s a die-hard kampong boy then one of you is going to have a compromise about where you live and the lifestyle you will lead and if so, you need to discuss whether it’s a sacrifice that is just too great.

In the subject of lifestyle how do you see yourself from day-to-day? And what do you consider important? Will you have pets, plans and religious practice? Will you go to bed around 10pm every night so that you both can get up early and go jogging or your both night owls who prefer  to party late and maximise time in bed? As your answer these questions it will help you consolidate your goals for your life together,says Collins.

QM 4 Your Expectation from Married Life

First, ask yourself what do you expect from your married life and what do you want it going to be? If you’re hoping he will stop flirting or drinking, turn into Mr Romantic or be more considerate in bed just because you’re married, think again. The way he conducts himself now in your relationship is unlikely to change a great deal just because he has a ring on his finger. What is likely to change, however, is the way you both view the relationship. For most couples, marriage is a very big step that says, I’m making the ultimate commitment to you because I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But why does married life appeal to you more than just sleeping at each other’s flats on the weekend? What are your expectations?

Often marriages break down because people are totally unrealistic about what they expect will happen once they are husband and wife, says relationship counsellor, Joan Gibson. Women in particular, can romanticise marriage thinking once they have walked down the aisle with a man it means they’ll no longer argue, will suddenly develop complete trust for each other and feel more romantic and loving towards each other because they are a permanent item. In truth, saying I Do doesn’t bring romance or communication into a relationship. To ensure your marriage has these qualities you need to do the legwork by being a good listener, communicating honestly and making an effort to be affectionate and loving.

QM 5 Your Plan Goals for Your Future Together Â

Do you both want to pursue creative dreams or do you think you should put your heads down for a good five years or so and just focus on your career? Before you start a family do you want to travel or is having your own home more of a priority? Once you start a family do you want to be a stay-at-home mum or would you prefer to have a nanny so you can keep working?

When discussing your goals for future don’t just consider where your career or finances should be headed, think also about where you would like to be in five, 10 and 20 years time. Is financial security a big deal for you? Do you like live lavishly or you prefer something simple? Forward planning is key to working through what you both want in life, how you are going to attain those goals and whether or not you have the same goals, says Gibson.

QM 6 Your Role as Husband & Wife    Â

Most of new wedded couples have no idea what is their real responsibility after married. Some men think the millisecond they’re married they can give up their sensitive new-age ways and settle in to being traditional husband That means after you’ve exchanged wedding vows, he may expect you to do cooking, wash his clothes and let him go out with the boys whenever he wants, no questions asked. But do you think it’s the scenario you’re hoping to be the rest in your life? Better you think twice if your partner seems like given you a kind of idea.

That’s a good reason to talk about what you think a wife’s role IS: To support and love him and be there through thick and thin. Meanwhile, be clear about what a wife is NOT: A slave, a sex machine or a pushover. Similarly, it’s important that he comes clean about what he thinks his role should be because if being your husband makes him think he suddenly becomes the ruler of the roost and can tell you when you should be home or what you can wear, then you’d better set him straight and fast!

QM 7 Your Strong Spiritual Beliefs

This might be the last thing come out to your mind when you’re in love but when you’re already jump to deeper relationship then this should become an important thing to be considered at the first place as it can give big impact to the strongest relationship after sometimes. It’s true love conquers all or so we like to think  but if he is a Buddhist and you are a devout Christian will that cause any clashes over the way you want to live, the things you value and the expectations you have of each other as partners? Do you expect your partner to participate in your religious practices or are you happy to go alone? And once you have children, which religion will you raise them under? Make sure you talk about how you will integrate these differences of belief into your life.

QM 8 Any Fears about Getting Married

It’s perfectly natural to have fears and doubts about getting married. Often we worry that we may end up a clich married couple with no sex life, nothing to say to each other and no mystery and romance in our relationship. But talking through those fears with your partner is the best way to see whether they are any basis for concern.

A good way to start this kind of conversation is to discuss your own parents marriage, says Gibson. Talk about the things you learned from watching your mum and dad that you feel your relationship would benefit from the things you didn’t like about their relationship that you definitely don’t want to repeat.

Having this discussion is a good starting point for forming an idea of how you want your relationship by pooling what you both value to give your marriage all the features that will make it stronger and closer. Though you may divert sometimes and you won’t always be able to behave like perfect partners it’s helpful to enter married life with an idea of what you want so you have a blueprint for how to achieve happiness now and forever.