When Your “Ex” Falls In Love

Why his story never stops even after you’ve split up? Why you still care about what happening in his life? And why you feel sad when you know he already fall in love with another girl? Do you still in love with him? It’s amazing how much you can still know about your ex even you both are not attached to each other anymore. It’s not possible when your girlfriends tell you where he’s living and partying: gossipers spill all they know about his flirtations and one-night stands; mutual mates try to say as little as possible, but you can read between the lines. When you ask if he ever talks about you and they pause awkwardly before saying, Yeah, sure, but he’s never been much of a talker, it’s like a stab to the heart “ it’s obvious “ he’s over you, he doesn’t think about you. End of story.

Meanwhile, you throw out the photos of your romantic holiday in Bali and make a stab at going on a few dates. You just start to feel you’re getting your life back together. But just when you thought you had erased him from your hard drive, you hear he’s in a new relationship. Within milliseconds, the pain is so great it feels like heâ’s just dumped you all over again. You know it’s not good to dwell on it and the more you learn about her, the more you feel your self-image slipping. But you just can’t stop asking questions about the new girl in his life and you torture yourself by imagining them in bed having marathon sex.

Well, sounds like you’re not as over him as you thought. Or maybe you don’t really want him back, but also don’t really want him back, but don’t want anyone else to have him either (at least not until you’ve found the love of your life to rub in his face). Before you turn into a complete nutter and find yourself staking out his flat to catch a glimpse of them, you need to get a grip. The burning issue here is not how he met her, what she looks like or whether or not he’s in love or not he’s in love or just in lust. The bigger question is what you are going to do to ensure that you just don’t care.

The Different Man

One of the worst things and make you feel so frustrated about seeing him date someone else is noticing how different he is with her and how open he seems to be to doing things he never shared with you. You hear they’re going to yoga together (what happened to the couch potato, you knew?), that she’s into reiki (he said your new-age beliefs were rubbish) and that last Saturday they had a Celtic cross tattoed on their butts (what?). You feel jealous and what to scratch her eyes out. Okay so you don’t like yoga and you’re not the tattoo type but that’s not the point “ he never offered to do those things with you. He’s showing a side of himself to his new girlfriend that he kept hidden. Does that mean he’s more in love with her than he was with you or that he loves her so much he wants to change to fit in with her life?

Working through the implications of his new behaviour can be very confronting it can make you feel like you never really got close to him or that he is working harder to make this relationship a success that he did with yours. The sad thing is and this will really hurt there’s every chance that’s true, says relationship counsellor, Evelyn Field. Often it’s past girlfriends who do all the hard work teaching a man about the importance of communication, sharing and flexibility but the relationship breaks up before they can reap the benefit of their hard work. Then the next woman comes along and falls for him because he’s become well-grounded in all the things a man needs to do to make a couple work.

Girl You Know

Maybe you saw this coming a mile off because he kept talking about a new woman at work and you suspected he had the hots for her. If so it can be a double blow that your instincts were right. Even if he wasn’t actually seeing her behind your back you will feel as though he was unfaithful because clearly in his mind he wanted to be with her even though he was with you, Field points out. You may feel very bitter as though she stole your boyfriend from you but that’s an unhelpful way of looking at the situation. If your relationship only took a little push to break down then it had big problems that were going to come to the surface at some time or other and better sooner than later.

What if she’s someone you both know and he didn’t have a thing for her back then but now he does? Then to add salt to the wound you’ll worry about him putting you down when he talks to her and fear that she will be indiscrete and spill details of your life with him (totally out of context) to mutual friends. Did he fancy her when he was with you and how long did it then take him before he broke it off? These thoughts will stir up feelings of insecurity and unresolved anger about how you have been treated.

These kinds of feelings are always magnified if the ex finds a new lover very soon within weeks of breaking off the relationship, says Field. If he says single for six months then at least it feels like he needs some time to get over the relationship as well but if he jumps right in the deep end with another woman it can make you feel you look like a fool because you’ve been devastated by breaking up with a guy who doesn’t seem to have cared all that much.

Watch Your Attitude

Whether or not your ex chooses a woman who is older, younger, skinnier, more curvaceous or less outgoing doesn’t make a difference. Really. Regardless of who he chooses to date, you will hate her with a passion and torture yourself trying to work out how she compares.

Rather than wasting time make comparison between you and his new girl it’s better if you think how to stop thinking about him and learn to let him go in peace. You should do a hard work of saying goodbye to the relationship and start new life happily. Nothing will change if you keep comparing yourself with his new partner finally your thought will harm yourself. Be positive at least.

When your boyfriend is still single, maybe you still can harbour fantasies that you might get back together and rekindle the love you once had. But you must realize that once he is seeing someone else there is no way you can hold on to the fantasy of a reunion, so almost overnight you’re forced to face the fact that it’s over, for good.

Get Busy

In short, you need to realize that you’re the one writing your own life script and this particular scene could be your biggest triumph or tragedy. It really is up to you. Banish the images of your ex showering with his new love or telling her he loves her. Replace them with plans to get your life in order. Do up your bedroom, make over your body at the gym or take up French cooking. The more you can take the focus off what they might be doing and put it on how you are going to improve yourself, the more you will think about the most important thing and that’s you. Feeling great is not only the ultimate revenge post break-up it’s a great way to help you feel good about yourself, which is always attractive to new men. To get to that point, you need to plan to keep yourself occupied.

Where possible, avoid a situation where you arrive home to an empty, house and feel depressed,says relationship counsellor, Ann Hollonds.This is particularly important on weekends when you know you’ll have more time on your hands to dwell on things. Instead of sitting home moping, have dinner with friends or stay in with your flatmate and watch some DVDs. Above all, make sure that you minimise the time you spend alone.

Nurture Your Social Life

Though it might be the last thing you feel like doing right now, it’s important not to become a hermit just because you’e heard your ex is dating again. He’s obviously moving on with his life and you need to move on with yours. If you’ve been part of a couple, going out alone can be a little free falling. There’s no boyfriend to fall back on if you don’t manage to strike up conversation at a party. And there’s no one to get drinks for the guests while you’re tossing the salad.

The good news is now you can put yourself first. You can start your life all over again. You not need to stay at home the whole weekend waiting for his called or because he wanted you to be too. You can start your social life all over again seeing someone new and going out frequently. Let your anger motivated you to do something good for yourself. Force yourself and pick yourself up, forget him and move on. Don’t stop yourself doing whatever you want to do. Take your time to re-establish yourself in people’s minds as an independent, autonomous person.

To get the ball keep rolling, try to organize lots of dinners and invite people to your place. Say Yes to all invitations, just so everyone knew you already back in circulation. This will fulfil your emptiness. Within months you will see a different in yourself and you will feel like he’s leaving you is the best thing that ever happened to you. For sure your old confidence and passion for socialising will return back to position.