Intimacy Impatience – why rushing into a relationship?

February 11, 2007 by  
Filed under Love and Intimacy

When you fall in love with someone, nothing on earth could stop you from being together with him and it wasn’t take much time to date him. After the third date you think you already know much thing about him, love him and assume he feel the same way. You start to ask everything about him – how deep is his love, does his mum like a girl like you or what’s his future planning to be with you. Being too soon make decision to be with someone you just know in few days or weeks means that you’re craving instance love. In case like this, for sure, you’re rushing into a relationship.

The question is why people always looking for shortcut to get their love and why not let time resolve whether that love is really belong to them? Some people maybe doing it for secure, avoid loneliness or afraid of losing. Some experts are seeing a growing trend towards speeding relationships in this and they call it “Intimacy Impatience.” There’s nothing wrong with putting early commitment into the new relationship as long as the other side wanting the same thing like you. Here, we see why these people always taking risk for something they’re not sure yet going to be lasting relationship.

Love and intimacy is all about TIME…. Love come to our life naturally and also can go from our life in blink of the eyes. There’s no easy way to make it stay with us – and to keep it alive, we need time to flourish so it can grow healthy and shining all the time. Remember, you can’t hurry love! But, not all of us can wait for that beautiful moments and decide to move in together after a few weeks knowing each other. You won’t let intimacy develop in its own sweet time, or by its on way but make it hurries to be yours as soon as you can. Does it too soon for commitment or something serious? Nowadays, the urge has never been stronger to prove both to yourself and the world that you’re in a relationship, that you’re not alone. Sex researchers Masters and Johnson explain it like this: “Because intimacy has so much cachet these days, it has come to be seen as the ultimate marker of authenticity, commitment and honesty. There is an understandable push for developing intimacy sooner rather than later as a relationship gets underway.” In other words, we’re so eager to fulfill the emptiness, complete the circle that we try to speed up the whole process, almost setting a timetable for intimacy goals.

Intimacy Impatient doesn’t necessarily need marriages as its end goal because as everyone knows, marriage can all too easily end in divorce. What important in any relationship now are commitment, closeness, the sharing, and togetherness. We want to feel appreciate and love, someone who feel the same way as you – and quick intimacy is what most people looking for. These days, intimacy hunger is getting famous and increasing in the society around the world. What they want is feeling of secure, comfort and to feel known and care about by their love one who always be there in hard and happy moments.

However, true intimacy is not like instant noodles which can be cooked and served in short time – it has an organic life of its own. We can’t deny some people meet their partner and naturally fall into love and instantly connected into perfect relationship. Lucky them! But, for most of us, it takes time and trust to feel save enough to give our heart and soul to someone even the one we love. In Being Intimate – A Guide To Successful Relationship, psychologists John Amodeo and Kris Wentworth point out that, “We cannot decide to love another person through an act of will or some kind of gallant effort. Love and intimacy awaken in their own way and in their own time.” People who rushing for instant love or early commitment often ignore this important signs which then leads to broken heart, frustration and might be getting phobia to look for another chances in love. They only aim for something which can get very quickly and instantly, and of course, in love and intimacy nothing we can rush for because it rarely brings into lasting relationship.

Desire to BOND…. Why there are some people hungry for love and rushing for early commitment and some are not? Maybe we can say these people are afraid of their past time experiences – failed in their relationship, loneliness person or coming from breakdown parents. So, when they meet someone who love and care about them, they can’t wait longer to tie the relationship to replace the moments that patently missing in their early lives. Feel insecure also bring to this instant intimacy because most of them think waiting for love to develop itself only wasting their time when at the end everything they’ve been worked for over just like that, so they choose to crave intimacy to fix the insecurities. Other people confess they’re desperate for commitment because they grade relationships on how quickly they become close. That was a crazy way! For them time or how long the relationship had been, it doesn’t give any guarantee it will last forever. So, why don’t just make it quick? Fast answers and instant closeness.

Some says it just an obsessive female occupation. What do you think? Is it women fault if they looking for something that can make them feel special, secure and appreciate by their partner? And others says Intimacy Impatience just a new name for something women have been accused of since time immemorial – namely hounding men towards the aisle. I’m not sure about this. But, sex expert Zelda West-Meads says in her experience, it is something women tend to worry about more than men, but that seeking early intimacy is not purely a female prerogative. Psychotherapist St Clair however feels both sexes suffer equally: “Women tend to push towards tangible commitments, but men push towards emotional reassurance. They both want the intimacy just as fast, it just takes different expressions.”

To me, it depends on the individual how they want to express of what or how they feel towards someone they’re fall into. Maybe it’s not healthy if we’re rushing into something too much, but a desire to bond and make a commitment in our life is a good thing to do instead of just play around without any direction. However, early intimacy often stuck half way and lead to many relationship problems because there was no time for both person to know each other deeper and when something goes wrong, they can’t handle it with love and patient. What is your opinion?

Instant Togetherness…. Actually not many people who looking for instant intimacy and don’t want to have any commitment at all. So, those people who trap into Intimacy Impatience and find their partner who also desperate for instant togetherness then there’re lucky. As I said above nothing is wrong if both parties are equally desperate for the same desire of being together although rushing for it maybe not the best way to build perfect relationship. The real problems occur when one partner want to be close and the other remains cautions. “Such relationships usually break up,” says St Clair, “One will dig in with claws while the other will feel suffocated. Instead of producing real intimacy it has the opposite effect and really turns the other person off.”

Not all of us can accept person who is so desperate for intimacy and it a little bit scary sometimes. So, if you find a man/woman who wants to know everything about you in the minute you meet, then try to avoid her/him. Some people is kind of obsess and often carry their need for intimacy into all areas in their lives, becoming clingy friends and demanding colleagues. Beware if you don’t want to fall into the intimacy trap because they know how to push you in. And if you’re will, then try to look long and hard at your past relationships. Ask yourself whether they fit the same pattern like before. If yes, then be careful on whatever you say and avoid to push intimacy too soon.

And the most important thing is learn to love and nourish yourself before anything else. Once you’ve learned that you’re worthy of genuine intimacy than you’ll undoubtedly attract the right relationship. When the hunt for intimacy stops being a race, a relationship can flourish in its time and in its own way. Only by that, a pure relationship can grow beautifully.

  • Winsor Pilates


4 Responses to “Intimacy Impatience – why rushing into a relationship?”
  1. Just to quickly add to your insightful list of answers to the over-arching question, I have a thought akin to the “desire to bond” notion. I would add that when we first meet someone and feel that “emotional lust” it is some ways explained by the fact that he or she reminds us of our “ideal” (person, mate, lover). To wit, we don’t see him or her as he or she really is but as we want to see him or her. And until reality becomes part of the equation, we remain blissfully in that la-la land subconsciously thinking “Thank you god, my dream has come true.” (Our behavior then is in concert with what we see (our “ideal”) and what we are feeling (and I won’t even dare a metaphor for this). This makes sense to me (and for the record… been there, done that, and still have some of the t-shirts).


  2. MiSs LiLy says:

    Hi Bill. Thanks for the great opinions. When we’re attract to someone at the first sight, sometimes it’s more to physical attraction. However, if the feeling is stronger than enthusiastic, you’re in love. If we’re really into that person even in the first meet, we only see the good thing about them (something that make we attracted), as you mentioned above, the way we want to see him/her. How we see and what the intention towards other person can bring to unexpected actions.

  3. Liara says:

    Even when you devote time to develop intimacy in a relationship, this doesn’t mean you won’t periodically be surprised to discover new traits in your partner you hadn’t recognized before. The people you attract into your life are like a mirror which enables you to learn about yourself. If you jump into a relationship without getting-to-know someone, what does this tell you about your hopes, fears and self-confidence? Each choice you make offers results that are meant to draw your attention to things you can learn about yourself. What do you choose to ignore?

  4. MiSs LiLy says:

    Hi Liara..Thanks for the oppinions. Time is not the solutions for all the changes in the human traits. As you said, no matter how much time we spend to develop intimacy, sometimes things unpredictable can happen and it’s anyone faults but I believes it’s fate which makes life complicated. We meet others and learn about ourself, that’s true. That’s the way how life is. Do you ever heard about marriage arrangement? This couple get married without knowing each other and build their relationship after marriage. Some end with happy, blissful marriage and some are end with divorce. Same with the relationship which is build base on love and trust, but it still not guarantee for lasting relationship. No matter what is our choice, there’s still hopes; whatever you face in the future don’t regret your decisions, face your fears and keep your self-confident no matter how much you hurt or failed in life. Nothing to ignore if you can face your fears and do learn about yourself which we’ve been through from childhood until we’re mature enough to understand about ourselves, others and life to be.